Day 9: I am now ready to attract and accept a happy, fulfilling relationship.
I have never been the girl who had a boyfriend ever week, who dated much, or who had a cultish male following. LOL And, quite honestly, I didn’t mind at all. I was too self absorbed. Too focused on my education (or whatever it was that had my attention: singing, acting, community service, church, sorority, etc). And, usually, I was oblivious to guys who were attracted to me unless they came out and said it–and many didn’t. They sent subtle hints that I never caught on to (or understood or read correctly) or that I outright ignored or rejected (I’m sorry.).
Part of the reason for my self absorption has been that I have seen very few models of successful relationships between men and women. What I have seen, I have not desired for myself, so when approached with this as an option, I considered the benefits and risks, and usually chose to remain single.
Now, as I approach 29, I feel as I am now ready to accept a relationship. Yes, I am still growing in me, but what I feel I desire most is a life long friendship/partnership with a man who may still be growing in himself, but who is confident, secure, and passionate about life and love. We are all on a journey and I know FOR SURE that I not who I want to be, yet.
I still wonder if marriage, as it is currently demonstrated and understood in society is for me. I even wonder if marriage, as practiced by most Christians (my faith) is for me. I want an equal partnership. I want a life long friend. I want someone with whom I am free to be myself and grow. I don’t want to be expected to cook and clean because of traditional gender norms. I hate doing laundry and no one will make me do it. But, I can put together an awesome meal in minutes and bake my butt off. And, I while it would be nice if my future partner could look under the hood of my car and know what was going on with it, I am OK, if he tells me to take it to a mechanic.
Many women I know have put together a list of things they MUST HAVE in a future partner. I think these types of lists tell you more about yourself than anything else. I have refrained from putting together a list (because that would actually mean I believed in the possibility of the list, right?). Maybe its time to put together a list? Naw, I don’t think I need one. I don’t have many requirements. And, checking characteristics off a list in relation to a human being just doesn’t feel right to me.
However, if I had to describe what I ultimately desire, I would say, a best friend. I have never had one person with whom I have shared everything about with. In fact, today I have groups of friends who know “parts” of who I am. I do have a small circle of friends who know a few of my “parts,” but this is a very limited group.
I do feel as if my time is coming though. Lately, I have been practicing being more open. I have been putting myself out there more. Yes, it is scary and yes, I have been “rejected” (especially over the past few months LOL) But, that just depends on the way you see things. Rejection these days is so subtle. You don’t realize its happened until it has. I can deal with that. LOL
For me, being open also means removing a sign I know I have been carrying around for years. One, that reads, “Off Limits. Restricted Area. Private Property.” While I know, especially in this day and age, you have to be careful with whom you share yourself, I do know that my default can not be “off limits.” I have some beautiful things growing on my property and I am learning that these things are to be shared, not kept to myself. To do this, I have to open up, remove the sign, and let people in.
Ok, here goes!