It’s been too long since I’ve been in my space.  I’ve been missing the yellow space though I’ve thought about it often. 

Today, I am sitting in the beautiful main branch of the Oak Park Library on the third floor, thinking and reflecting on a few things I have heard and experienced recently.  I am thinking about three different experiences in particular and while they are not really connected in any way except that I experienced them, they have moved me to start another writing journey here on my blog.  Briefly, I’ll describe the experiences:

1) I’ve been dropping my little cousin off to school for the past few days.  He’s attends a a very diverse school in Oak Park.  The school bell rings at 7:55am and we usually get to school about ten minutes early so he can play and run around outside with his friends.  I drop him off and wait until the bell rings, then I take off.  As the bell rang one morning last week,  I passed two little black girls, one right after the other.  Both of them looked at me and gave me the biggest smiles.  I was so touched.  I didn’t know these little girls, but their happiness and smiles had a profound affect on me.  I smiled right back and prayed that they would have a great day in school.

2) A related, indirect experience. One of my FB friends posted a status on FB that really saddened me.  She met a little black girl who mentioned she hated her skin color.

3) A series of unrelated experiences with elders in my community and in Milwaukee.  There is an older gentleman who works the weekend shift as the door person in my building.  Every time I come in, he’s always watching some sports game.  No matter the height of the action, he always takes time to talk with me, open the door, and make sure I get to elevator.  I’ve don’t know either of my grandfathers, but this kind man makes me wish I knew my grandfather.  Then, yesterday, I had the privilege of meeting an elder in the community I am studying for my dissertation.  As I listened to her describe the changing urban landscape in which she lives, I wanted to go back as a fly on the wall.  I was so enthralled with her-story.

Each of these experiences evoked a range of emotion within me.  The hopefulness of youth.  The unhappiness and destruction of self-hatred.  The generosity and wisdom of elders.

Over the last few months, I have been wondering what my real impact in this world will and should be and have been trying to move toward that. In a way, professionally, I feel stuck because I need to finish this dissertation (which is definitely harder than losing 100lbs–at least there is a definite structure for losing weight…LOL).  I can’t make the professional impact I want without my degree.  But, I also feel, I can be making a little impact in whatever way I can.

So, I have decided to embark on another 30 day journey–this time, it will only be a writing journey.  Every day, I am going to post an affirmation.  These days, looking at and smiling at a stranger requires a tremendous internal reserve, a reserve which I believe comes from knowing, and ultimately, being ok with who and where you are.  Some days my internal reserve is low and it is on these days that I need to fill it up with truths and powerful words.  Then, like the little girls I saw on the playground, I can look up, and smile courageously.